MUSH  (a character monologue)

my mind - slack, sluggardly, sloth mush mush mush- 
has come to a stop a halt- has derailed and is 
crashing through the walls, file cabinets -
documents- tumbled- scattered 
like a train choo choo on the loose, off trail 
like a train choo choo on the loose...
ever since the large crash crash crash
spinning spinning with the new found concussion 
this throbbing percussion- this ... memory loss 

people visit, their mouth slightly open as they gaze 
aghast at this teetering soul, 
wavering girl they claim to know
something is wrong- wrong, yes terribly wrong, 
for in my life's forgetfulness, I always remembered
the faces, the times I must leave and arrive 
and now, I only recall darkness, 
the slim moonlight creeping through the venetian blinds 
as I lie in bed I still feel it smothering my brain! 
My body that wants to race- 
wants to write the masterpieces-
wants to use this energy and create- do something. 

soft voices of audio recording slowly drifts me to another trance- dreaming 
Until they come, the people I should know, 
not so worried as they were ago 
How they entertain with chat chat chat and oh so conversation! 
but when they leave - and they do
I sit in the aching silence of my room, 
slowly drifting in and out of flashback like movies 
memories connected by a thread 

tired of sleeping, though I am tired, perhaps I can be up tonight 
ignore the slanting landscapes
the throb throb throb in sync with my heart beat 
and in my head - pain that crescendos like a siren screaming !
this moment such a humble taming 
as I am forced to rely on others to tell me how I used to be.