MYSTERIES & ABSENCE

Maybe I wanted this because 
I was happy
that someone who I liked.. liked me
opposed to liking me as just a friend, 
opposed to liking my friend instead of me
telling me they love me but like a sister 
perhaps it was the thrill of being liked
and surprise and joy of reciprocation

and maybe I wanted this because
I was in lust
with the way you looked 
dripping wet in some torn shorts that doubled as a bathing suit
maybe I wanted to strip you bare and pounce
maybe you were just meat to me- just another fantasy
pure physical attraction with no substance
raw and animal

Or maybe it was mystical... spiritual
the fact that I sensed there was a vibe of attraction between us 
which you later confirmed and then WHAM! Progress! The thrill of progress! 
The thrill of knowing that my intuition was right....
maybe I confused that for the excitement of attraction.

Maybe I wanted this  
because I had plans for this attraction
which was perhaps foolish to make plans before they were mine to make
to watch you sleep in the morning
to laugh ... to discuss ... to love
perhaps I was intrigued by your knowledge of magic tricks- 
the way you maneuvered decks of cards and rubber bands - your intellect
perhaps I was impressed when you did my dishes, every plate left spotless
leaving me speechless... 
maybe it was at that very moment that I wanted to be with you
I wanted to look at you-- gaze at you... and to see you gaze at me
with a silent look only lovers... only loves give to each other- cliche...

and maybe you did like me 
for you told our friends so
but you let fear get in the way 
and maybe you did like me 
but you are just a flake
maybe you met someone else 
suddenly.. unexpectedly
and couldn't tell me face to face, 
phone to phone, email to email, letter to letter. 
maybe you did like and do like me
but you got hit by a car on the way to where we were to meet
where I traveled great distance to only meet your absence
and now you long to call me 
but are in a full body cast in some low-rate hospital with bad lighting

and maybe I am torn between the side of me that wants to tell you to go screw yourself
and the side that really wants to believe there is a good reason why you didn't show up
something I could forgive-- that somehow you would redeem yourself in the end...
maybe I just liked you.

but no more....
because this mystery is exhausting
giving you the benefit of the doubt is exhausting
believing is exhausting
this progress that shifted into disaster
and I can not sit on my ass
wait around for some meek sign of respark
and I will not sit on my ass
and wait for a sign of possible potential-- possible redemption
like some puppy dog waiting to be fed- arf!
your absense has broken the spell, or will... it will
and so yes ... all the thrills... all the lust ... all the mystical ... all the plans
all the mysteries you gave to me
from this point on I let them go. 
cold.