No Longer Am I Shadow

my friend
this mess... 
I did not speak up when I should have

Brutally uncomfortable in the spotlight, I was and so 
I let you shine, as you performed 24/7  
and the crowds went wild for you

not quite content, was I, always being a shadow
but at least the times 
when I was 
feeling 
like I just 
wanted to 
crawl back 
into my rabbit hole
it was okay. 
no one would notice
their eyes distracted by your bright.
and oh... how bright it was.

and I 
flash 
back 
to my roots - my youth - a time
where as a young child
I had a brother 
always sucking up all the attention- he was 
like a sponge.
always trying to get the glory, the love 
and succeeded with his genuis
fingers executing great concertos 
and what are now "classic rock songs" on the old piano in the den
don't get me wrong. He was very good. 

Sometimes I'd join in and
bang! bang! band! on the pots and pans
trying to keep a beat 
making more noise then music 
-it wasn't the same - i knew it
because my brother would push me away - in ways- call me names 
and my family would say 
"your brother is going to be famous some day"

and they'd ask me 
"what do you want to be when you grow up?"
and i'd say "an artist... or maybe... a writer or a fashion desi..."    
"that's nice dear" 
pat. pat. me on the head 
they placed a doll in my lap - leaving me to play- silent
as they applauded my brother's piano-ed genius 
for he had just finished a song.

and so I grew up a shadow 
thinking this was simply my place in the world
in the background. secretly watching it all. 
that was the role of a girl - in my family
or so it always seemed

besides ... the idea of competing 
for attention 
made me 
uneasy  
the idea of being 
compared to something greater and thus dismissed as nothing ...
it... it... I mean, afterall.. who was I to get attention
i'm not my brother.
I am only me. 
it ... didn't seem .. worth the risk.

let it be known, I am not blaming you my friend.
I got myself into this.
i'm just thinking

I remember... you, my friend.
everytime we are in public
it was another chance for you to perform
a chance for you to be adored
and it seemed like you were
utter strangers coming up to dance with you
utter strangers wanting to be with you
and part of me wished I was more like you
just to see what it was like on the otherside
if the grass was sweeter when under the light

I was invisible - a ghost to them (the surrounding public) 
when you were dressed to kill
dancing feverishly - like a gypsy earth-goddess cabaret - glowing
flirting with all around you
flashing that smile
darting those eyes- 
and I wondered how many souls shall you capture and tame today?
many. and with such ease - i was amazed. 

It wasn't really the fact that I was always ignored by the surrounding public when around you
like some moveable prop or insignificant rock in your scene
it was the fact that I always felt that you needed to be in the spotlight
you preferred me as the shadow on some subconscious level
I am not sure what would have happened if I had tried to share your space...

well.. that was .. years ago
and the things that were then acceptable 
are no longer acceptable to me now and
I am comfortable in my own skin, happy with who I am
and my eyes- viewing the world with new eyesight
I see you
dancing in the spotlight
but this time 
you don't appear to be this exciting and daring woman 
all the sudden the spotlight, bright like vegas
is intriguing and yet has a faint odor of desperation
this need to be adored
to feel loved, but no... it's never enough
it's always MORE MORE MORE- like a drug
and so the performance becomes greater - larger - fantastical
and I don't wish to be... 
I now know the grass under the light is not that sweet

yesterday, friend, you confessed to me 
that you are afraid of not being adored.
and thus one reason as to why you perform 
and I tell you I am a shadow- no more
and with silent understanding, we nod and smile
and we are able to close the door.