Untitled Spring Cleaning

this afternoon
I felt like screaming!!!!!!!!
and so I did- loudly
in my kitchen
I cared not if the walls were thin
or what the neighbors might think
should I care? Let them hear! I rather be me!

I wanted so many things this afternoon
someone to stop and ask me what was wrong 
(but no one was there to ask me) 
a person I could speak my mind to
in utmost honesty and not be judged 
(for I no longer had myself as a ready ear) 

I just wanted to return to where I once was...
my home.  

I had left it
and I had no one to blame but myself
for it was I that wandered- 
It was I that left for so-called... "greener pastures" 
(why settle for plain old green when you can have... greener?) 
all the while leaving small messes behind
like my soul

ignoring my heart that was trying to tell me something
"unhappy"
but instead of listening- 
I covered it's mouth till it's message was 
faint and muffled. 
with temporary things like favors and side projects and 
busy 
busy 
busy I was - and I was good - I was genius - I was exhausted- it was perfect
being clever and smiling- helpful- the way some prefer me
only to dread the quiet in my life
my downtime- alone with myself
when there wasn't the busy-busy 
to drown out the warning sirens coming from my mind and heart 
my body (it was aching). 

and all the while I felt it
All the while I felt so seperate from the world
seperate from myself
like this continental drift- and I..I... felt the moving beneath me
but I didn't do a thing to stop it. 
I just waved goodbye. 
and it's no one's fault by my own.

Home.
Home is a state of mind. 
Home is where you make it. 
Home is inside you.
and I know that
but sometimes... just sometimes I lose my way  
reeking and drenched in crazed desperation - to break in to myself 
I bang on the door- WHACK WHACK WHACK- begging myself to let me in
all the while the key is in my pocket
(silver - tastes like metal- a familiar cold to my tongue)
I have to laugh when I remember that- the whole time I could have just unlocked the door.
I have to remember that 
when the rush hour world is pushing me in a thousand directions and I am overwhelmed 
when I am struggling to find the balance between the reality of money and myself

(reality being 
that I need to eat 
and have shelter 
and thus a steady income
but in this quest 
I have a history 
of losing myself 
departing from my home) 

took the key, I did
twisted and turned it till I unlocked myself
and to my home I returned and I sobbed ... 
Yes, I sobbed. broke down like an old car and felt all that I was ignoring.
heavily and I laughed out loud (let the neighbors hear me) 
as I took out the lingering trash 
with it's awful stench and surrounding fruit flies 
(buzzing around it's black plastic existence) 
trash bags consisting of 
:apologies for my emotions and peculiar thoughts and sadness
for my faults and bad days and insecurities 
and the jokes that only I find funny
and my life-dedication to being myself and not living for money: 
and tossed said bags in the dumpster

These towering moutains of small messes that I left behind now need tending 
and the overgrown landscape now needs pruning
yes, this spring cleaning has only just begun.