Quests, Questions and Kindred Spirits. PART I If you're looking, I am here engulfed in quest and questions and circling thoughts It's these ways of my ancestry that are driving me nuts the lifestyles - the philisophies of my closest family... have they settled for less then their dream? or perhaps they are living realistically? I just know I am not at ease and so thus my quest for what works for me for only then shall I return to peace ooh and then I shall return to sleep for it hard it is to rest when one has verse-- brimming and waiting to be released! PART II No more pointless polygamy and casual flings... That's fun, I suppose, in the moment But I want more then a moment I want substance Even if that means complicating my life these casual moments I've been living aren't even satisfying- Which why is, in these past times, something inside was screaming This is not enough! We need MORE! MORE! MORE! but maybe it wasn't the lifestyle itself that made it such a bore? Oh, don't get me wrong I am certainly not looking for a cinderella-romance or some dashing white knight to save me What for? I am not in any danger And I am hardly in need of saving So spare me those fairytales and Hollywood love stories- and fantasies Let's just get this straight - that I am complete with or without a romance and mate That's right. so all you "princes" may turn around on your white horses. Go home Yes. you are not what I am hunting. and further note: I never said that I was even searching for a romance! at the moment that search seems shallow as I am starting to see the possible ill-logic behind a notion that i have been told and beleived and now I have the questions that no one else understands or is questioning or ... so it seems... this shall not stop me. PART III I used to think... Finding a person whose not in love with love? Who loved and knew themselves? not looking for a relationship to complete them! not looking for a "love" to fill that void! I don't want to be their only reason for living! but rather someone who could be in love with me for me? opposed to some fantasy? opposed to what they had dreamed? Impossible. Someone who is not apathetic to their own existence? with free will and intelligence? Consistent? considerate? Creative? Who listens to me when i speak? Who understands when I speak -- and knows where I am coming from! or at least wants to! whose not drawn to chaos and intensity because they think it's somehow exciting not hell bent on self destruction because somehow they think it's all so tragic and romantic and hip! can't you see? I don't want to be someone's mother-figure or therapist or the woman you can't trust because your last love cheated on you and broke your heart I don't want someone whose looking for someone to run their life or worse, who'll make attempts to run mine? and Yes, I could meet a person with a couple of those traits But to have it all? This... this i've been told is what one calls "wanting too much" engrained and so it's what I had come to beleive "Foolish! Impossible!" or so they say But is it? Christ! these past months I've been contemplating dating my ex's because I knew what to expect Because in a way I didn't think there was more then that And I've been fooling around with friends not because I didn't think that I deserved more or better but Because I thought: 'my god, in this fantasy-addicted society The chances of me finding what I really want- they may never come- people like that may not even exist, so you might as well have fun and so I did. But this fun (or what I thought would be fun) it lacked substance Which why is, in these past times, something inside was screaming This is not enough! We need MORE! MORE! MORE! but maybe it was the partners (not the lifestyle) that made it such a bore!? How odd or sad is the fact that of all the lovers of my past I've never been COMPLETLY attracted to them maybe emotionally, and intellectually but not physically or physically but not emotionally or spiritually and ... PART IV and so I'm asking this question to myself and to anyone who will listen: is the person who told me such notions one that settle for less. who meant well in advice, but takes what they can get? where does one draw the line between being realistic and holding out for what one wants? Well, if nothing else, I believe the energy you put out there is the energy you attract And so this energy I shall get back! no? Maybe meet and converse with kindred spirits, perhaps. who are asking the same questions I have asked or better yet have stood where I am standing and if not answers then christ, offer me at least some clues.