TWO WOMEN I once felt a connection a strong connection with the universe and myself but now I only feel silence- even as I beg for guidance. beg for guidance? What is this? Who am I? Am I this blubbering mess before you that now crumbles under stress that spends her hours depressed and lacking that cries out such exclamations like "I can't do it.. I can't take it anymore" It IS me. is it? I know people like that I've helped people like that lent my shoulder and time and energy and speech to friends like that who are in sadness and when i say sadness I do not mean temporary, fleeting or light sadness "My sadness is so deep, I feel as if I am drowning in a large body of water and blah blah blah" To hell with water. I'm talking mud. thick mud. deep mud. quicksand. cement. people who have sunk so deep exhausted from existing without hope Just tired of existing... they start to question. "what for?! for what?" I've known these people and I have helped them because I am a rock. I ... am strong! I am concentration even when I am weak I am determined even when faced with adversity For crying out loud- I am the poster child for free will who knows herself? who loves herself? I do!!!! Dammit! and here i am. me. feeling numb and yet too much- feeling -- going at great speeds - too fast- and I just want to stop and be and breathe but I can't. help me. there's no break to this machine! it's like I am not even driving anymore - i'm just a passenger in my own life out of control. out of control. out. of. control. Upon my path I did travel take two steps forward- progress- then WHAM plummeting anvils land before me- obstacles.... no bother-- I will simply find a way to move around them I will learn the lesson that I must learn and I will move, around or over that obstacle for that is what must be done! that's right. i've watched oprah. I know bad things happends to good people and when it does and it has and it will- you never surrender you are your only hero-- you must always save yourself and so I would and bounce back on my feet yes-- that is how I used to be but now? now i'm just tired.... too exhausted perhaps to create my own relief physically. mentally. spiritually intellectually. I am drained-- drained more then I have ever been. What is this? This! This state of mind -- and at what point did I leave? and what point did my good sense get snatched up and kidnapped by this ... unrational sadness!? Torn, I am between three inner perspectives One side that whimpers "it looks like -- for the first time in my life-- i am not sure I can make it alone" and the side of me that is angry that has the urge to beat the living shit out of all inanimate objects that exclaims: what is the fucking point anymore? There is no justice in this world! you try and you try and you try and you just get beat down everytime so fuck it all-- fuck everyone -- and fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! and the third and last side of me that screams "What the hell is THAT?" the side that wants to slap the other two sides around for whimpering and screaming for being such utter imbeciles It's ironic, really for I can't stand people who wallow in their misery and complain and bitch and complain about their lives never taking action to make it better they just sit and spew out melodramtic sentences that consist of big boo hoos and woe is me and i am such a victim and never a master of my own fate Look at me! Have I turned into the very thing I hate? what kind of life is that? what have I become? I miss me. I miss the woman that I used to be Christ, what happened to that woman? I, who found comedy in the face of absurdity! adversity!? I, who bounced back unscarred and kept on travelling no matter how many metal anvils plummeted from the skys- landing in my path... yes, I may have teetered but never surrendered - no, not completly there was always that part of me- still had life - productive and inspired I just want the strength to retrieve myself from this saddened cliche all those things I said I once was - it was no facade it was truly who I had become and could be still... it's all a matter of revival and despite thick mud and jaded I will have to put myself out there and try it once more - life if I am ever to be my own haven and hero if ever these two women are to be one again.