RETURN TO HERO

I write this poem
on the back of an unsent angry love letter
To you, my lover
For taking that non-literal piss 
in my general direction
onto my disposition... again
And to myself 
For staying in this muddied affair

WHY?

How did I get here?
And what point in time did I lose myself
To all of this. 

I have strength! I have wisdom, ambition, self esteem 
Yes! Yes! That is me! 
The woman I have strived to be
Hero! From foul past and atrocity 
Despite it all, I can and do love!
Yes, Horrah! Victory!

And yet all my love affairs are failures-- 
Though, I suppose not all for naught, 
Sometimes the wretched lovers make very good friends
And the inspired art and verse I create, 
it brings me closure! 
It brings me closer to the truth of who I am.
I do appreciate being single again free  again
With new stories to tell, and something new about myself
new memories become 
romanticized old memories , sweet memories,  strange and fond of memories, 
But the fact remains, that these short-lived loves are lost before long

And to lose that once beloved entity- 
That individual being -- 
Who dared to play these hearted strings 
First a genuised concerto of grounded sweetness, inspiraton and passion
Then some mediocre pop ballad of pale and out of habit
Dear lover, dear god! Stop clinging to this love that existed in the past
it has since changed. 
This song of pale and you're not happy, 
but you're afraid to be alone
Of pale words like: you'd die without me 
And now for some idiotic reason 
I feel too guilty to leave
you.

It's the fact that I think I should be able to have a long term relationship
5 years, 50 years to end the of time.. to death do us part
and here I am 5 months tops, 
and I'm already exhausted from trying to keep 
this love affair afloat, without drowning myself in the process. 

And now I think of this as I reach another dying love affair
I've been undersleeping, over thinking
For feeling guilty for wanting for leaving
As if I was obligated to stay
As you say
Please don't leave 

And so you say 
Please don't leave. 

Ooh how I'd love to be witty and strong and clever in this monumental moment  
I wouldn't  even wince at the sound of I love you, 
Which, like the word sorry, has lost meaning, when only said to save ass
But when we are together, I am rarely clever-you baffle me

Is it time?
It's time
I take my silent stand. I am the hero
wordless, my grand exit, permenent from this constant intensity
Because this chaos you are overwhelming,  
your eyes, overkill! your life, overkill!
And yes, I feel it.

This renewed simplicity, placid and relaxed
Is what I feel when you are not here
It is in your absense that I recall the easiness of life 
Old friends come around, and I feel whole.

So yes, take this as my leaving
There I said it. The moment is over. 
And perhaps in hasty retrospect I realize, It's not that hard to say goodbye
as I return to hero.